BIRTHDAY

A man asked his wife: “What would you most like for your birthday?” She said: “I’d love to be ten again.”

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off
they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park, the Death Slide,
The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything there was, she had a go.
She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head spinning and
her stomach upside down. Into McDonald’s they went, where she was given
a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake.
Then off to a theatre to see Star Wars-more hot dogs, popcorn, cola and sweets.

At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?”
One eye opened and she groaned, “Actually, I meant dress size.”

The Salesman

“I despise salesmen,” Matilda informed her Aunt Harriet.
“Especially house-to-house salesmen.”
“Why?” inquired Aunt Harriet.
“Because I hate being cheated”.
“I have bought brushes and cosmetics from salesmen and I haven’t had any problems,” said Aunt Harriet.”
“Well, I have been sold too many useless and worthless things. A vacuum cleaner that blows instead of sucks, an electric heater that shorts out the fuses, a set of stainless steel pots and pans that rast…. “
“Is that why you have the sign outside, SALESMEN NOT ALLOWED!?”
“Yes, that sign is the only practical thing I ever bought from a salesman!”

A Medical Problem

An old woman came into her doctor’s office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. “I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they’re soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I’ve been here, I’ve farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?””Here’s a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week.”

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson’s office. “Doctor, I don’t know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I’m farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?”

“Calm down, Mrs. Harris,” said the doctor soothingly. “Now that we’ve fixed your sinuses, we’ll work on your hearing!!!”

The driver

Fire Authorities in California found a corpse in a burnt out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with a dive tank, flippers, and face mask. A post-mortem examination revealed that the person died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about determining how a fully-clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that, on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast – some 20 miles away from the forest. The firefighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large buckets. The buckets were dropped into the ocean for rapid filling, then flown to the forest fire and emptied. You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing a breaststroke in a fire bucket 300 feet in the air. Apparently, he extinguished exactly 5’10” of the fire.

Air force one and the farmer
Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed, with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President’s staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man’s actor. “Sir,” the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath. “Did you see this terrible accident happen?” “Yep. Sure did.” The man muttered unconcernedly. “Do you realize that is the President of the United States’ airplane?” “Yep.” “Were there any survivors?” the agent gasped. “Nope. They’s all kilt straight out.” The farmer sighed cutting of his tractor motor. “I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning.” “The President of the United States is DEAD?” The agent gulped in disbelief. “Yep, he kept a-saying he wasn’t … but you know what a liar he is!”